I had a vision in a meditation session assisted with ketamine: it was transformative. I saw a butterfly in a cocoon straight jacket. The butterfly was me, and the straight jacket cocoon was my mental health.
I’ve come to understand that transformation is going to happen. It’s a part of nature. Change is the one consistent action in this earthly experience. So if you hate change, buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
In my innate desire to preserve and protect, I’ve ignored my life traumas. Packed them away and simply moved forward. Not denial, I’m fully aware. I just made a decision not to let these accumulations disrupt my happiness or my path. I moved forward under my illusions and delusions.
But slowly the darkness crept in. Then the heaviness became so unbearable that simple, everyday tasks were excruciating. When I received my diagnosis I buried that too. Nope, not me. I love life. And I did, I wasn’t depressed. I was sick. I was convinced of it. Over and over, Dr after Dr. I accumulated medical data, and all returned pristinely. You're not sick. It’s depression and anxiety. Still refusing to own it, I eventually came to terms with calling it The D-word.
Flashforward years into The D-word, I continued to warrior onward to find where I truly fit in…where I wasn’t broken, I had a vision. I saw a butterfly in a cocoon straight jacket. The butterfly was me, and the straight jacket cocoon was my mental health.
You see, transformation is going to happen. The caterpillar will retreat into a cocoon and re-emerge as a butterfly, and a child will transform into an adult. You can’t ignore life’s traumas. If you do, it will slowly build and poison your mental health. Even if you can pretend it’s not affecting you. When you lie to yourself there is no room for growth. The butterfly stagnates and does not re-emerge from the cocoon straight jacket. The negative energy will attach to you and lock you into a straight jacket all your own.
Did you know when the caterpillar retreats into its cocoon it breaks down into a DNA soup of sorts? Ewww, gross, right? I wonder if it hurts, I wonder if the caterpillar is scared to death. Sounds like a recipe for anxiety to me. Breaking down and processing your life trauma is no different. Gross, hurtful, and full of dark scary places. But it’s a process necessary for true transformation. It’s the gateway to a beautiful version of yourself.
I saw a butterfly in a cocoon straight jacket. The butterfly was me, and the straight jacket cocoon was my mental health. But I see my future and the straight jacket is unraveling, the restraints are falling apart. Someday that butterfly will fly and be free.
The Butterfly & the Straight Jacket Cocoon: Self-Realization
What Does it Mean: Self-Realization
This journal entry is about coming to understand that even when you THINK you are ok, there could be hidden agendas in need of attention. A self-realization on my part is my ability to convince myself that I am ok. I have a protective aspect that I believe I constructed at a young age to preserve and protect. While I maneuver daily in my made-up reality, in the deep parts of my mind I find the truth. Finding these hidden truths is essential in taking back your health. The importance of therapy and having outlets that are safe places for you to be open can't be recommended enough. If you find you have no safe place, try journaling. This helps me tremendously and has proven health benefits above and beyond mental health. If you have tried therapy and don't feel that it works for you, try another therapist. Therapists can be like personal relationships in a sense. Not everyone is meant for you. I've come to learn that just because they have a degree doesn't make them beneficial. Some are inept at what they do, robotic, and simply go through the checklist. Shop around, and make them work for you. If it doesn't fit, find another, but don't stop. Find your fit. If at first, you don't succeed try, try, again!
Disclaimer: It’s important to note that anything I share about mental health is simply my opinion on things I’ve experienced, researched, and implemented personally. It is not meant to diagnose, prevent, or treat anyone other than myself. I am not a professional in the academic sense, I have no degree in the field of mental health, and I do not intend to sway anyone’s opinion or treatment. If you happen to find something I share inspiring, I ask that you discuss the concept with your Drs and/or therapist. If the tool I offer fits into your therapeutic toolbox, by all means, work with the professionals who guide you to implement and make my ideas and practices your own.
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